Hello People's

I wanted to give you an update.
I know it has been a while since I have last written on this blog.
Things have been so hectic and chaotic lately in both good and bad ways that I haven't had much time for anything.

I started college in January and have already completed the first of three semesters. My second semester starts up on the 6th of this month. I am studying Criminal Justice to be a probation officer. I haven't really decided if it will be for juvenile's or adults. This is pretty much my only major positive going on currently.

I have been quarreling with my self lately on moving back to Arizona. I know in my heart that moving back there is not the best thing for me, but at the same time it doesn't feel right in my heart being here either. My adopted mom is having heart issues and lung issues. And every time there is a family argument I am some how the root of it. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but if me moving is protecting my mom's health and decreasing family issues I am going to do it regardless of the fact that I may or may not be miserable. My adopted mom says I am being a coward and running away from my issues. But I am not, she wouldn't really understand. I lost my dad, my biological mom is psychotic and my grandma pretty much hates me now due to my bio mom's lies. She also doesn't understamd the fact that putting all these people with totally different backgrounds and issues under one roof and expecting us to live in perfect harmony is ridiculous and pretty much impossible. It's just like any child services group home, shelter, or foster home.

On top of it my bio mom called me and said she wanted me to come visit her and my grandmother. After countless times of convincing my adopted mom to let me go to Arizona by myself she agreed with on stipulation that I have a back up plan and a safe place to go in case me and my bio mom get into it. With excitement I called my bio mom to let her know. When she answered she was intoxicated. (not surprising) After I told her the simulation she flipped out on me on the phone saying, "I was her kid and no bitch is going to tell me what I can and can't do with my own kid". Then she went on about how useless I am and I am such a bitch and blah blah blah. After that argument and my adopted mom attempting to mend everything she revoked my plain ticket and the offer and pretty much told me to go fuck myself. Then turned my grandmother against me with a bunch of lies which I am trying to mend and set straight frantically.

So, I have had a lot on my mind and on my plate.
I don't feel depressed or stressed out badly, I guess the feeling is more stuck and confused.
I'm not sure what I am doing here in this life and every time I think I've figured it out everything gets jumbled all over.

I just need for life to work out once for me without screwing me over.

Hello Everyone,

Its been awhile since I've posted.

And It has been on purpose.

You see, I wanted to get my life together before I came on here and talked about things.

But it seems to me that I should talk about it instead of hide it.

Well...

My Birthday was August 25th. I turned 19.

And I guess somewhere for some people between 18 and 19 is when Birthdays arent important until you hit 21.

Anyways I woke up miserable and depressed that day with a million other things on top of that swirling through my head. I was being a total downer and i honestly cant blame anyone for not wanting to talk to me. 

The only positive thing that happened that day was my brother finding out the sex of his soon to be born baby boy.

Later my brother and I got into a fight because he thought I wasnt happy for him in all retro specked I was, just my depresssion drowned all the happiness I had.

After the arguement I was so upset that I attempted suicide. I swallwed about 125+ pills of various types. In the heat of the moment I wanted it all to be over. I sat in the bathroom crying waiting for the last breath to leave my body, when I couldnt remember my own name. it freaked me out so I call my adopted mother and told her everything. By the time the EMT's got there I already passed out. I woke up 3 1/2 days later in ICU. When my mom came to visit she told me that they almost lost me twice in the ambulence and once in the hospital.

I never want to make someone I love go throug that kindof pain ever again.

Now, I'm trying to stay positive. And I'm going to counseling. I refuse to let myself slipso far into a depression that I cant see the positive. And I thank my adopted parents for statying by my side and helping me through all of this.

God has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

Hey everyone!
I have been doing extremely awesome the last month.
My 19th Birthday is in 10 days and Im extremely stoked.

SO as an early birthday present from all of you,
I would Love LOVE love it if you would go and sign my petition to save the Pit Bulls!
It would be amazing if I could get everyones support.

http://wh.gov/lJ1ID
Just click the link and check it out.
Dogs, especially Pit Bulls hold a special place in my heart.
They are so misjudged, and they need a chance to be man's best friend again.

I know I don't like being judged off my appearance or what everyone else thinks they know about me.
And I would hope none of you do either.

So why do it to one of our 4 legged friends.

Have a good night all(:

Today was a bitter sweet day.

The guy that I've been wanting to talk to for a month (adopted mom's co-worker)came to my moms work site to check on her. And when my mom went inside I finally got the courage to talk to him.
And the end result is he's taking me on a hike and then to the beach on his next day off. Which madebme really giddy like a little junior high girl.
It makes me happy that I'm getting my confidence and self esteem back.

The bitter side was my adopted moms aunt passed away today.
I didn't know her. I still hurt. Not because someone in the family passed but because everytime I see my adopted mom cry I feel my stomach flip and my heart ripping into pieces.

But in that torn heart I know everything will be okay. Cause I know God is with me.
And I have faith.
And I thank him for everything he has done for me.

I hope everyone has a good Monday tomorrow. ((:
Stay positive. ♡♥ (:

This week has been a hard week.

My adopted mom has been encouraging me to call my biological mom for a couple of weeks now, and finally on Thursday I did.The conversation started out okay. But then into turned into her yelling and screaming at me about how I never let her in my life. (even though she never tried to be) I told her how do you expect someone who was told for the past 18 years of her life to keep their distance from you and when you're diagnosed as terminal expect me to be at your'e every beckon.

I don't mean to be selfish, I'm honestly not trying to be. I just don't know how to be there for her when we rarely visit, rarely talk on the phone or face-to-face, and have literally nothing in common except the fact that I look like her. Am I being selfish?
I don't know.

Ever since then my emotions have been on this wild roller coaster of a nightmare.

But every roller coaster must come to an end eventually.
And today it did.
My adopted dad who never really talks to anyone about emotional stuff, sat on the phone with me for about half an hour and gave me some really good advice.

A few hours later some of the locals asked my mom if they could take me down the rapids rafting. It was a blast, they even invited me to dinner. I had so much fun and I think my prayers have been answered and I'm finally starting to make friends. Today was a great day.

To me this proves that no matter how bad of a day, week, month, year you are having this is a silver lining in it somewhere.
Weather that silver lining is big or small embrace it or you'll never get out of the funk you're in.

Stay Positive. (:

On a daily basis I sit here and think of all the things I've been through in my life.
I would like to sit here and tell you that as time goes on the nightmares and scary memories of the past get easier to deal with, but for me, they don't.

It's kinda like your first love.
When that relationship ends you hurt and hurt.
But eventually you get over it.
Until you see them walking down the street or find a letter they wrote you, or even see their name pop up on your facebook newsfeed.
All that emotion, happiness, sadness, anger it all comes flooding back and you feel like you're at square one again.
But you know what? Eventually you get over it. And if you do see them walk down the street or their name on Facebook it's not going to bother you anymore.

And maybe just maybe I will eventually get over my past.
But I can tell you, it won't be today or tomorrow but when that day comes where all those emotions don't come flooding back, I will gladly welcome it with open arms.

This past Friday, (6/20) was my daddy's birthday. He would have been 57. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him. I miss him terribly. But I know in my heart he is in a better place.
R.I.P.

If you made a mistake in your life and could take it back would you?

If you could relive the past to alter the future would you?

If you didn't get that 100% on that test that your parents had been riding your ass about, would you go back and study more? Cheat? Or tell yourself the answers you got wrong?

Would you go back in time to save a loved one from dying?

Or would you go back in time and start over from the very beginning?

Now, if I were asked those questions I would reply, Hell No.

All the events that have occurred in my life is what has made me the woman I am today.

Also, we as humans don't know how changing even the smallest things could affect our future.

You saving your mother from being on her death bed could alter you meeting the love of your life.

Everything happens for a reason. Weather we see it at that moment or not. 

Every decision big or small, joy filled or teary eyed makes you who you are today.

And being who I am today, I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

You should never have to live with regret or the what-ifs.

Things happen, mistakes are made, people die. 

Its all how you choose to live with the situation and yourself.

And trust me, you will cry, you will stress, and you will need time to process.

But in the end, all of your tragedies in life will come together to make a beautiful song that you can sing to your family and friends.

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's an experience." -Victoria Holt